Some Scienece work i did, it's a Case Study please comment on how to improve it (Kilik 64)

is this a presentation or a homework  ??? Sry but i am to lazy to read 

First off, unless you are making fun of someone for doing it, don't throw random Japanese words like "baka" and "kawaii" into English sentences. It makes you sound like an idiot.


As for your paper... ehh, I'd give you a low to mid B, just skimming over it. The paper is fine for a 13 year old, but there's nothing in it that shows any serious effort went into it. It was a rush job and it shows. There's nothing in your paper that couldn't be found with a good hour or two of searching the Internet. Nothing in here suggests extensive research.

Huh, weird I learned about Designer Babies a couple months ago. Anyways I got bored after the first paragraph. Remember 13 year old's have super low attention span. Anyways since I didn't read it, try not to make runs on like wha I'm doing now. Remember that the basics are super important. Also if you were in high school they would probably give you a C - B, depending on the teacher.

yeah, the conclusion was great, wrapped up all of the the argument. strong points, careful detaling. However the punctuation wasn't that good so my grade: A-

At the moment design babies have been restricted in some countries, because people believe it is messing with nature. So this conclusion isn’t really something which is telling you to not going creating design babies, it’s perfectly up to you what you choose to do after reading this, but if you really think playing with human nature is a good thing and you think by doing this everything will be better; I say go ahead it’s your choice. It could turn out to be a complete failure that would ruin humanity, or it could turn out that it will revolutionise the human nature making us more advance smarter, and for all you know it could even come to a time were we could all be like supermen. It’s entirely up to you, but you should consider the power you have.

This is a bad conclusion. First of all you should have a stand when you write any kind of paper. This holds true when you are 13 too, at least that's the way I've always written, and have been told to do so. Secondly, the way you express yourself is not very concise, and some of the sentences you use don't do their jobs properly.

Starting your paragraph with "at the moment" sounds bad. When you say "messing with nature", you sound way too informal. Given that you are 13, certain aspects don't matter much, but you DO need to use a more formal English.

Again though, your lack of a position in this conclusion makes it seem like a pointless read. If you are writing an informative paper, then your conclusion should be totally different. I could correct and rewrite what you wrote, but it would probably really stand out from the rest.

Just choose a side and write a formal conclusion. Draw from all that you wrote beforehand, and make it support your argument. It sounds complicated since you wrote so much, but it's really not if you boil it down the right way. I won't read the whole thing though, because I have things to do, but good luck.